Binaries: Grief and Happiness; Fear and Hope; Death and Life

I have felt like I have a lot of words to say lately.  My heart is pulled in many directions, I have much to share, yet I worry that I am bothering people just by opening my mouth.  I feel grief and guilt for also feeling excited at the same time.  And hopeful.  And fearful.

My grandmother's boyfriend or partner or whatever label you want to use has been battling brain cancer and cancer of pretty much everything since last April.  Well, actually, it started with prostate cancer about seven years ago, which they got under control and returned and was then managed again.  His physical state has been growing worse over the past few months and I guess he has taken a turn for the worse--much worse.  We aren't being told much since we aren't technically family (though he has been active in our lives for ten years), but they do not expect him to last much longer.  He is not my grandfather, but he has been "part of the family" as much as he could for a long, long time.  I do admit that I resisted the idea of a live-in "boyfriend" for my grandmother and they had ups and downs and drama, but he is a, say, honorary member of our family.

I feel full of sadness for my grandmother--she is doing better than this summer, but I worry that this will shake her again.  I feel sadness for his family.  Cancer is a nasty thing to watch and brain cancer is even worse.

And then I feel as if I should stop there.  I shouldn't talk about feeling happy at the same time.  But the truth is that I am trying to hold onto hope and life instead of only staring at death.  I am happy because I am celebrating my son's second year of life.  I am happy because I feel little bits inside of me that almost seem like baby movements.  Can I really be feeling the baby move (just a little) at 16 weeks?  I am happy because I saw my son and husband's eyes light up as they set out on a walk with our dogs.  I am happy because I enjoyed watching my son and my nephew play together for a couple of hours. 

I am happy because I am thankful for life all around me, even the bits that seem boring.  They're important to me--they're most important.  And I hate knowing that someone else dear to me is suffering and others are feeling theirs lives shatter while I sit here in my comfortable home and breathe.  I know they would love to be able to breathe without pain or the worries of their situations.  I feel guilt about that.  However, I think that we should appreciate what we have and cherish every moment, and if I were to sit around not cherishing the life I have, that would be a waste.  And that would be worse.