"Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?"

When someone finds out that you're pregnant, there are a few questions that the person will probably ask.  How far along are you?  When are you due?  How are you feeling?  Have you thought of names?  When do you find out the gender?  And of course...

Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?

It's a simple, innocent question.  It's one I ask at times too.  But it can also be a question that results in a feeling of inadequacy.  I never want Eliot to think that I preferred that he be a girl instead of a boy.  I never want this second baby to think that I was at all disappointed in his or her gender.  People assume that since I have a boy already that I am hoping that this next baby will be a girl.  Maybe they think I want something different; maybe there is something to balance.  People seem to have the idea that Eliot is Christopher's son and a girl would be my daughter--that they're separate--when the truth is that I feel very close to my son just as much as if he were a girl.  I take joy in "boy" things, like watching sports with him, because I love him. I'm not that girly either, so I prefer playing with dinosaurs to dolls anyway.

The truth is that I don't know what I would choose if I could.  I would love to have another boy.  Seeing Eliot grow up with a brother seems like a beautiful dream.  On the other hand, I would love to have a girl to experience all of the girl things in life.  I have so much to give a girl that I don't think I'll pass on to Eliot, such as a pink paisley telecaster electric guitar and an antique doll house that my aunt Wanda bought me a few years before she died.  In my perfect little dream world, I would have two boys followed by a girl; however, I think we are only going to plan to have two children due to finances, career and education goals, and just how we want to grow our family in general.  Don't get me wrong--if I ended up pregnant with a third baby, we'd be nothing but thrilled.  This is just our plan.  So, what I'm trying to say is that no matter what, I'll be getting a little glimpse of that "dream scenario," so I'll be happy.

However, in all honesty, I am absolutely convinced that this is a little girl growing.  If I'm right, I'll probably just say I had a 50-50 chance and call it luck.  If I'm wrong, well, I guess I'm just wrong.  With Eliot, I simply knew he was a boy right away.  I don't know how; I just did.  Maybe I have good intuition.  Or maybe it was chance.  And this time around, I have known that this is a girl.  Also, everything in this pregnancy has felt different.  I'm of course open to the reality that I could be wrong, so I'm not getting emotionally invested in it.  I'm not buying any pink yet either or even looking at clothes or nursery possibilities.  We'll see in a few weeks.

In short, I guess I should just respond that we are hoping for a healthy baby.  :)