On Mother's Day

Growing up, I never realized how hard I must have been on my parents, and probably my mom in particular.  I thought I was an easy kid, and I know she made a big effort to give me great memories, have fun, get on the floor and play with me, and teach me.  I know I made it more difficult for her than it had to be.  I was unbelievably stubborn.  Some would say I still am, but I think those people just aren't considering how stubborn I used to be.  Dinner was a constant battle.  If I didn't eat my cheeseburger (yes, a kid denying a cheeseburger), I'd have to sit at the table until I finished it.  Many nights, I would sit alone at the table until 8:00 pm when my parents finally caved and let me go get ready for bed.  I won.  Mwahaha!  Or so I thought.  Sorry, Mom.

And I guess the thing is now that I am trying so hard every day to be my best for Eliot, I am coming to understand how sometimes a parent can get worn down.  And even if I thought I was a laid back, easy-going, self-disciplining kid, I know I gave my parents a hard time of it when I didn't need to.  Eliot was an easy baby; maybe he is now a difficult toddler.  Or maybe he is a normal toddler.  I don't know.  I can't compare because everyone's kid is different when taken out of their element--and Eliot is so extra rambunctious around other people.  However, I think this time in general is just a bit challenging.

For Mother's Day, we did some relaxing at home.  Chris got me flowers, a card, and breakfast.  We did some cleaning and laundry.  Then we sat out by the pool, but I couldn't keep myself from getting up and vacuuming the pool out.  Messes make me crazy until I take care of them.  I actually really enjoy cleaning--it's like the relief of scratching a horrible itch. 

Then we went to my parents' house for dinner with them, my sister and her family, and my grandma.  My grandma is growing more and more distant in her gaze, like a shadow, which is hard and confusing to watch, but I'm just hanging on to the hope that we're giving her everything we can:  good care at a great facility, seeing family frequently, and lots of cookies, Cracker Jacks, and Cokes.  The lady has gone nuts over cookies, Cracker Jacks, and Cokes lately, which I'm not saying is a good thing at all, but at her stage, it isn't all that bad either if that is what she really wants.  At the end of our visit, Eliot got extra hyper and energetic.  I knew he was tired.  By the time we got home, he was begging me to play dump trucks with him, but I had him lay on the couch with me, just for a moment.  And in that moment, he fell asleep, which really never happens.  Chris and I were able to talk some and watch tv before going to bed, a Mother's Day present from our sweet, sleepy Eliot.

Lately, our Eliot has been doing some big boy things.  He no longer naps.  We took his paci away four days ago--actually, we lost them all and figured it'd be a good time to try to put an end to it.  I hope we can stick with it.  With these two changes coming in one week, I felt like our baby boy was much more boy than baby--and he is.  And I felt a little sad.  However, since we've taken the paci away, he has woken in the middle of the night for two nights in a row screaming inconsolably for about 45 minutes.  Nothing seems to help.  I suppose it is a night terror or maybe he is just used to having the comfort of the paci (the latter is more likely), and all I can do is be there with him and wait for him to come out of it.  While I feel horrible that he is so upset and I hate seeing him cry, I was reminded that he is growing up for sure, but he still needs me.  He won't always think that he needs me, but right now, he does.  So even if I grow weary sometimes trying to give my all to my son all day, every day, it's what I hope for each day as a mother--to have the opportunity and privilege to wake up, dedicate my day to offering to build him into a happy, caring, loving, intelligent person and to hope that my offering is received.  I am thankful that my mom tried so hard each day, even when it didn't seem like she was getting through to me or making a difference, because she really did shape me into the person I grew into.  I hope that I make her proud.  I hope that she looks at me and thinks she did a good job.