Covering His Eyes: The Time Eliot Tried to Shoot Me

When Eliot was born, I felt this intense pressure to mold him into a loving, confident, compassionate, intelligent, happy boy.  We spent hours reading poetry to him as an infant.  I always felt extra guilty if Chris and I argued around him.  I never wanted to hurt his heart by losing my patience with him.  I worried about the media having a negative influence on him and his understanding of himself.

I make it a point not to lose my cool and yell at him.  I'm not saying I don't discipline him, but my mantra is "calm and firm" when he is doing something bad.  And I try to reserve raising my voice for when he or someone is in danger of getting hurt (the hot stove, pulling on the dogs too much, or things like that).  I wanted my "mom voice" to get his attention more.  I want my words to build him up because there are enough other voices out there to tear him down throughout life.

So, when I saw him making his hands talk to each other saying, "Shut up!  Shut up!  Bad, bad, bad!" I was appalled and heart-broken.  I never speak to him in this way.  Where did he pick it up?  Then I realized that I have said these words in front of him, just not at him.  When the dogs are extra yappy, I am guilty of telling them to shut up.  (OK, before I sound like the worst dog mom ever, I usually say "shut it" or "quit your yappin'" to be silly and say "shut up" when Dexter starts growling at Abed-nego over food or space on the couch, which I think is more serious.  I mostly only say "shut up" when I've been severely pushed to my limits).  When the dogs eat Eliot's toys or pee on the floor, I am guilty of calling them bad, bad, bad.  The thing is that my dogs really only respond to the wagging of a finger and a very stern word.  I hate it, but I have to use a mean voice with them to get them to stop whatever bad thing they are doing.  However, I am exposing Eliot to more negative words than I thought--something I took extreme measures to avoid.

I want to build up Eliot's confidence and self-image.  I don't want the media to be telling him who he should be or what material things he should want to be happy.  I can try to shield Eliot from hearing these messages, but there's only but so much I can do.  When it comes to TV, we mostly just watch kids' shows and sports.  Watching Teen Mom was a guilty pleasure for me (you know Jenelle is funny in such a sad way), but then there was just too much yelling and upset babies.  It didn't feel right with Eliot around.  So, I stopped watching it.  We used to like watching shows like Dexter and Madmen (well, I never really liked those shows, but Chris did); however, we just didn't feel comfortable watching them with Eliot around as he grew more aware.  I kind of wanted to avoid getting him toy guns....  There's so much violence in this world as it is that I didn't want to contribute to turning it into a game. Well, the other day, he brought a train track to me, flipped it around, and pretended to shoot me with it as if it were a gun.  No matter what I do, he will exposed to the world around us.  I can't avoid it all the way.

I feel helpless.  I guess this is why some people turn to homeschooling--they want to be in control as much as possible.  Eliot (and our baby boy on the way) is so incredibly precious to me.  I want to be intentional in what he is exposed to and to protect him from all the bad and pain in the world.  While I can try, the important part isn't necessarily the shielding (or the censoring?) but perhaps helping him to form his own filter and lens through which he views the world.  This isn't as simple as blocking everything aside from PBS and Nick Jr. from the tv.  This takes work--a lifetime of work--and communication.  I think I will start trying to read more of the Bible to help form that lens, his understanding of this fallen world, the need for salvation, and a knowledge of who he is in Christ.  I hope I can help our sons to make sense of the world, even if I don't understand it myself.