Asking for Help: Working on Communication

How many times do you have to re-learn the same lesson?  My New Year's resolution this year was to ask for help.  I put too much on myself because I hate to burden others, which leads to a lack of communication and confusion on all ends.

When Eliot was born, I had to ask for help from Chris.  He was fortunate to get two weeks off from going into the office (back when he was a grad assistant) and worked from home.  For the first few days that Eliot was home, I sat on the couch almost constantly nursing.  And when Eliot napped, I held him.  I had to ask Chris for everything.  "Please hand me that burp cloth?"  "Would you get me a drink?"  "Hold him while I go to the bathroom?"  Everything.  I barely moved.  But Chris never complained and would leap up from his seat to get whatever I needed.  And he happily took Eliot in his arms any chance he could get--you know, whenever Eliot wasn't nursing.  I felt horrible to ask for so much so often, but we did it together.

Since then, I stopped asking.  I would put off things I wanted to do, like getting a snack, showering, cleaning, or working on school work.  I learned to do things with one hand.  I rarely asked for help when making bottles.  And sometimes--though I hate to admit it--I would allow myself to feel frustrated that Chris wasn't reading my mind and offering to help even when I didn't want it.  Once he figured this out, he would tell me that he would love to help whenever I want (and when I don't want it), but sometimes he simply doesn't offer because, well, he doesn't know what is going on in my head.  Strange, huh?

I've been trying to get better with this.  I do have a lot on my plate, more than seems sane at times.  I work full time from home (and am stepping into new roles with my job), am working on my doctorate dissertation, and have an adorable, sweet one-year-old who is into everything and stays up until 9:30 pm most every night and gets up at 8:00 am (which is reasonable and our schedule and thank God he sleeps through the night now, but since we co-sleep, it leaves little time to work while he is asleep).  I'm not trying to complain because I am ever so grateful, but it is a lot and I do need the support of my husband when Eliot wants to play dinosaurs and I really need to work.  I'm thankful to have a supportive husband who tells me that he is proud of me and wants to help.  But.I.need.to.ask.for.it.

I have been doing better with this personality flaw, but I didn't realize how much it was extending into other parts of my life until yesterday.

Yesterday, we were getting ready for my parents to come in town to work on final house projects.  Chris went to the gym as he does every day.  I was grading while Eliot napped.  I had a dissertation meeting in the afternoon.  I was so anxious about it all that I was sick to my stomach.  I seriously thought I was going to throw up.  I was so overwhelmed and stressed that I started seeing lightning out of the corner of my eyes and felt dizzy.  Chris got back from the gym and prepared Eliot's lunch.  Chris kept asking me to explain why I was so frazzled because he didn't understand.  Of course he didn't and I wasn't about to explain.  I went to my meeting, which I was all worked up about, but it turned out to be completely fine.  Everything I was worrying about wasn't even an issue.  And I was told something that makes sense, but I keep forgetting.  The only one racing through this dissertation is me.  I want to finish it in the fall, and I can try, but things are going to come up and take longer than I think.  That is just the nature of this kind of project.  And that is fine.  That just happens.  I'm goal-oriented and constantly seek words of affirmation.  I need to not stress myself out about imaginary deadlines that I made up completely on my own.

I need to communicate with everyone and let them know when I think things aren't going the best because (what do you know?) people want to help.  I don't have to only report "good news" in every area of my life because sometimes the things I think are "bad" actually aren't problems at all.

I pride myself on doing it efficiently and on my own.  I'm a self-starter.  Sometimes, though, you can start on your own, but you need support along the way.