Planning

This probably won't even get posted.  Maybe.  But my mind wrestles so much back and forth that I think I need to write in order to understand what I'm even thinking.  Within a day--no, minutes--I go back and forth between when we should start trying for a second.  And Chris agrees with every argument I make either way, so it is hard to decide.

I want my babes to be close.  Call me crazy, but I always loved the idea of twins.  So, Chris and I always said our babes would be two to two and a half years apart, hoping more for two.  In January, right before Eliot turned one, we tried.  That would be one year and nine months apart.  It didn't happen.  With Eliot, it only took that one month, so we thought maybe the timing wasn't right.  We decided to wait.

Sometimes I think it'd be smart to wait a few more months.  Other times I think we should wait a year due to school (we're both working on our dissertations).  And other times I think that it could be difficult, but only difficult for a while and then our pace would be set for life (in a good way, I mean).

Sometimes I get really scared of the newborn stage.  Eliot is so mobile and independent and sleeps through the night.  Could I really start all over again?  Could I really go back to the time when a walk to the mail box was eventful (p.s. my mailbox is right outside the front door)?  Then I remember Eliot's newborn days--the days that everyone warned me would be a nightmare.  It was beautiful.  Peaceful.  Calm yet terrifying yet natural.  I remember Eliot being a few days old and saying that I wanted to always have a baby around and started dreaming of being one of those moms with five or six or seven hundred kids.  While I'd love that, I think we're going to stick with two.

While I actually really enjoyed being pregnant, some of the insurance issues and (let's be honest) morning sickness and pains worry me.  Am I really ready to be pregnant again?  Will I ever truly feel ready to be pregnant again?  Probably not.  With Eliot, we were scared to take the plunge into trying.  We had been planning to start trying far in advanced, but when it came down to it, it was frightening to say, "This is it.  This is the end of the two of us and the hopeful beginning of the three."  And that was the most amazing, best decision we have ever made.  I'm sure it won't be that different the second time around.

So maybe there isn't too much to be scared of?  I am hoping to be done with my dissertation in the winter.  I've kind of decided that it isn't a race and I can go with the flow with less stress if I'm not trying to meet impossible deadlines that I impose on myself.

I remember people saying, "If you wait until [you're ready] or [the timing is perfect], it will never happen."  I think there is something to that; I also think it is good to consider everything first.  I have felt conflicted for months (and months and months--maybe a year, even).  I could have sworn I was pregnant in January, but I wasn't.  I feel sad when I think of my possible due date or when we would have found out the gender or that I'd be coming close to the end of the first trimester already, but that is OK.  It wasn't the right time for whatever reason.  So, maybe we'll wait a few months or until fall or until next spring.  I don't know.  Sometimes I worry just a little that it won't work again too and that Eliot will be an only child.  If that is the case, that is fine too--Eliot is the most amazing little boy who fills my heart and life more than I ever dreamed.