Friday, March 23, 2012

Planning

This probably won't even get posted.  Maybe.  But my mind wrestles so much back and forth that I think I need to write in order to understand what I'm even thinking.  Within a day--no, minutes--I go back and forth between when we should start trying for a second.  And Chris agrees with every argument I make either way, so it is hard to decide.

I want my babes to be close.  Call me crazy, but I always loved the idea of twins.  So, Chris and I always said our babes would be two to two and a half years apart, hoping more for two.  In January, right before Eliot turned one, we tried.  That would be one year and nine months apart.  It didn't happen.  With Eliot, it only took that one month, so we thought maybe the timing wasn't right.  We decided to wait.


Sometimes I think it'd be smart to wait a few more months.  Other times I think we should wait a year due to school (we're both working on our dissertations).  And other times I think that it could be difficult, but only difficult for a while and then our pace would be set for life (in a good way, I mean).


Sometimes I get really scared of the newborn stage.  Eliot is so mobile and independent and sleeps through the night.  Could I really start all over again?  Could I really go back to the time when a walk to the mail box was eventful (p.s. my mailbox is right outside the front door)?  Then I remember Eliot's newborn days--the days that everyone warned me would be a nightmare.  It was beautiful.  Peaceful.  Calm yet terrifying yet natural.  I remember Eliot being a few days old and saying that I wanted to always have a baby around and started dreaming of being one of those moms with five or six or seven hundred kids.  While I'd love that, I think we're going to stick with two.


While I actually really enjoyed being pregnant, some of the insurance issues and (let's be honest) morning sickness and pains worry me.  Am I really ready to be pregnant again?  Will I ever truly feel ready to be pregnant again?  Probably not.  With Eliot, we were scared to take the plunge into trying.  We had been planning to start trying far in advanced, but when it came down to it, it was frightening to say, "This is it.  This is the end of the two of us and the hopeful beginning of the three."  And that was the most amazing, best decision we have ever made.  I'm sure it won't be that different the second time around.

So maybe there isn't too much to be scared of?  I am hoping to be done with my dissertation in the winter.  I've kind of decided that it isn't a race and I can go with the flow with less stress if I'm not trying to meet impossible deadlines that I impose on myself.

I remember people saying, "If you wait until [you're ready] or [the timing is perfect], it will never happen."  I think there is something to that; I also think it is good to consider everything first.  I have felt conflicted for months (and months and months--maybe a year, even).  I could have sworn I was pregnant in January, but I wasn't.  I feel sad when I think of my possible due date or when we would have found out the gender or that I'd be coming close to the end of the first trimester already, but that is OK.  It wasn't the right time for whatever reason.  So, maybe we'll wait a few months or until fall or until next spring.  I don't know.  Sometimes I worry just a little that it won't work again too and that Eliot will be an only child.  If that is the case, that is fine too--Eliot is the most amazing little boy who fills my heart and life more than I ever dreamed.


6 comments:

  1. I could have written this post exactly. We're only a few months away from when we planned to try and now I'm second guessing it. It's just so easy with them at the stages they're at now. But then I worry about being so out of the "baby stage" and it being hard going back. Some times two feels okay but in my heart I don't feel that our family is complete.

    I will say that, we planned Kingston (took 3 months) and when we actually found out we were pregnant I immediately was terrified and thought we should have waited longer. We didn't really plan getting pregnant with Weston but thought about trying later that year.

    The point is I wasn't "ready" either time but looking back I love how it all worked out. It's only hard for such a short time.

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    1. It's funny how we can be at different places, but all think or feel similar things and not even know it. :) We decided in October 2009 to start trying in April 2010, yet I still questioned if we were ready so many times. But it was totally fine! And I know that no matter what we decide, we'd never, ever regret it.

      My biggest concern is waiting until after we move or timing with the dissertation, but it's not like I'll have a newborn while moving (I might not even know yet!). And with the dissertation, I should be done or finished with the most difficult parts by the time I give birth. We'll have more support in Chesapeake. Chris and I both had coursework remaining when Eliot was born, yet we did fine on our own completely (no sitters) while also working full-time (and he had two jobs). I'm sure some people thought we were crazy back then for having a baby while still working on our doctorates. Now that I think about it, it should only be easier.

      It sounds bad, but part of me wants to get the baby stuff "out of the way" (even though I really love it!) in order to have all of the kids on the same page of sorts in ability. Like, if we wanted to go backpacking. We'd all be able to be involved faster if the kids were closer in age.

      I hope you guys have another baby! Your boys are so cute and fun, and I think you make a great mom from what I can see. We can do it together again and this time be in the same area if you want. ;)

      I feel like I'm writing another blog entry. Ha! So I'll stop here.

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  2. I'm at that point in my pregnancy where I'm thinking about this baby being here and taking care of him. I'm a little afraid that I won't know how to take care of him but I know I will figure it out. Good luck with your quest for baby number 2, just keep telling yourself whatever is supposed to happen, will.

    Allyssa

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    1. Thanks, Allyssa! Don't worry too much about taking care of your baby once he gets here. Like you said, you'll figure it out and your instincts will be so much more in tune than you thought possible! It might take a little while, but you will all fall into a routine. And then he'll change, but you'll figure it out again. :)

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  3. I know so many people (with children and without) who have been trying for over a year with no luck... I say if its just a matter of a few months as far as planning goes, go for it! obviously its a super personal decision :), but I think its wonderful you want to give eliot a sibling! ryan and I are content with our 2 for a quiiiite a while, but im so happy we had shiloh. I cant imagine life without her. :)

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  4. And Shiloh is the sweetest little girl! Yeah, I have always heard that it is completely normal for it to take a year. On the other hand, my mom warned us that we are a bit, well, fertile. It only took her a month every time, it took us a month with Eliot, and Chelse was only married for two months when she got pregnant with Sydney and they weren't officially trying. Still, what I learned from trying last January (and it not working) is that there is only but so much planning you can do. All babies certainly are a miracle.

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