Dear Eliot: Twelve Months

Dear Eliot,

Here is the big one.  Twelve months.  This letter seems about equally as big as my words to you at your birth.  Here, a year later, another letter.  I hope that these strings of words are as real to you as they are to me as I type them.  I hope that my "I love you" doesn't become just three little words uttered.  I know you won't fully understand this at first or even after a second or third reading.  Sometimes you have to live your own life before you can understand what someone is saying.

Eliot, let me tell you that I didn't always specifically want a family.  In fact, I would get frustrated when people would announce that they were now a "family" since they were having a baby--aren't a husband and wife a family of two?  What about a baby turns a couple into a family?  In high school, I said I didn't want kids.  And then when I met your dad and we stepped closer and closer to marriage, I wanted to grow with him.  I did want kids.  I did want a family.  I wanted you.

I remember the first time I saw your heart beating on that little screen.  A cluster of moving shades of gray.  Your heartbeat was so real.  You were so real, alive already at nine weeks.  You were asleep, but woke up and nodded your head.  I can't believe it has been so long since that day in June.

This year has been the best year of my entire life.  I love sharing every moment with you.  You've grown into such a boy.  Once you get more hair in, you'll lose your baby appearance even more as you toddle around the house, tell us what you want and like, and get into everything.  Part of that is a little bittersweet, but our time together with you as an infant was a tremendous blessing and a beautiful time.  I feel like your dad, you, and I all worked hard to lay a good foundation during that time.  It's nice to see the how our hard work has paid off as you grow.  Now as you progress into a new stage, we can enjoy looking back on those memories while also making new ones as you continually change.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not sad that your infanthood is over, because so many aspects of that time are part of today.  You are still my son and you got to be where you are because of the past.

I say this every month, but your personality and preferences are continually shining through more and more as you become an individual.  Your favorite toys are balls.  Soccer balls, basketballs, footballs, bouncy balls... Any kind of ball, you love.  I didn't expect this at all, Eliot, and it didn't occur to me to buy you a small ball for some time.  Then we bought one on a whim at a checkout counter.  You loved it!  You laugh and reach when you see a ball in a store.  We took you to the bookstore on campus and you had to hold a football.  We let you carry it around the store, but when we went to put it back, you wanted to hold them all.  It was so funny.  You think it is so cool when we hold you up to help you put the basketball through the hoop on your small goal.  I wonder if you will really like to play sports some day.  You have always loved to watch sports on tv.  You even watched a football game with your dad in the hospital.  Your dad says over and over again that you are a dream come true.  You really are, Eliot.

Your favorite food right now is still raspberries.  You could eat endless raspberries, I am sure.  You eat almost anything that we give you, though, as long as you are in the right mood.  You have recently decided that it is very funny indeed to throw your food to the dogs.  They are always ready to gobble up anything that you don't want.  Right now, you are teething.  You are getting two more top teeth in, which will give you a total of seven teeth!  They barely broke through the other day, so you're still dealing with it, but the worst is over, I think.

As for speech, you are growing to connect words with things.  You correctly identify mama, dada, ball, cat, and dog.  You are beginning to understand us too.  When we ask for you to give us things, you usually do.  It is becoming obvious that you understand a lot more than I give you credit for.  You were playing in the dirt while your dad and I planted tulip bulbs.  After I dug a hole, I handed you a bulb, and you planted it yourself.  You even pushed dirt onto it!  You do little things like this to demonstrate your understanding all the time.  When I tell you "no," you still smile and laugh at me like it is a game.  I think you get it, Eliot, but you're playing with me.  Please understand that I have your interests in mind when I tell you no, little guy!

Physically, you are growing too.  You refuse to walk, but we know you can.  We trick you into it sometimes and you barely hold onto our fingers when you take us for walks around the house by our hands.  You seem to lack the confidence in yourself.  That's fine if you want to take your time walking.  I know you can, and that is the important part.  You even do squats while holding a full-sized basketball, so I know you have it in you!  You have taken off climbing, though.  You crawl up the stairs at a rapid pace.  You try to climb the baby gates.  If there is something you can go "up," you certainly try.

One of your favorite things right now is animals.  You get very excited and jabber when you see one.  You reach for them and talk to them.  Whenever you get the chance to hug the dogs or cat, you make a run for it.  Fortunately, our pets are rather tolerant and let you tug on them.

This month we celebrated Christmas together for the first time as a family.  We were so happy to have you with us that your dad and I barely bought anything for each other.  We didn't even get anything for our stockings (just yours) because all of our focus was right on you.  Christmas felt special in a way that it never had before.  When I was younger Christmas was my favorite time of year, but it lost some of its sparkle as I grew older and I suppose more cynical.  With you around, even though you didn't understand it and weren't excited yourself, I was full of holiday cheer and excited to share everything with you.

This month, we went back to walk around Longwood, where your dad and I went to college for undergrad.  It felt like stepping back in time as we remembered how we felt, what we thought, our dreams, our fears, and what it was like to be graduating at 20 (and 21 for your dad).  There were so many unknowns, but everything turned out better than I ever could have imagined.  I never thought I'd go back and walk the campus with such an amazing son.  It also got me thinking beyond my past to your future.  You have so much ahead of you.  Sometimes it will be easy and fun.  Other times it will be scary and challenging, but you stick with it, Eliot, and you'll get there--wherever you are headed.  Your dad and I had a great time there learning about literature and writing at Longwood.  I think it'd be rather neat if you went there too, but I hope for even better for you.  I dream for you to go where your heart wants to and to accomplish far more than your dad and I have.

I'm so proud of everything you do.  My heart swells just looking at you--all you have to do is exist and I get all weepy with happiness.  I think you are the most adorable little guy ever.  When I was pregnant with you, my heart knew you were a boy.  Maybe I got a lucky guess, but maybe somehow my heart knew yours as it was forming.  You're absolutely beautiful.  You're more than I ever dreamed of.

It has taken us twelve months to get here.  It has been a fast year full of changes.  You're growing into such a big boy.  We've come so far together, Eliot, and we're going to keep on trudging on.  Even a year later, your dad and I hold ourselves back from hugging and squeezing you while you sleep.  Happy first birthday, Eliot.  I'm so glad you're with us.