Worries Over Adding a Family Member

Before I get started, let me first say that no, I am not pregnant.  And this is going to be long.  Sorry.

But I think about it a lot.  Chris and I had these numbers planned out.  Number of kids:  2.  Age gap:  2 or 2.5 years.  When to start a family:  27.  We'd wait to have kids until we were close to 30, but plan to finish by 30.  I guess I'd be about 27 when we had the first one.  We wanted to wait because we had this list of things you were supposed to do before having children because we all know that life ends with kids.  You don't exist anymore with kids, so enjoy it all (time alone, trips to Europe, college, career success, frivolous spending, and so on) before your uterus creates a black hole and you as a person are no longer around.  That's what society says, at least.  After many conversations at 23, we found ourselves saying that we wanted kids then, but knew we "couldn't" because of this list.  Then we realized that the list was pretend.  Certainly, college without kids is easier (we already had bachelor's, master's degrees, and half of our doctorates).  Certainly, money is always an issue (we both had sturdy jobs--two jobs each, actually).  So we told our parents.  They didn't think we were crazy.  We waited five months.  I got pregnant within 17 days of trying.

Then everyone started saying things like, "Enjoy your time alone now." And, "Life will never be the same."  And, "You're having a boy?  Your troubles are just beginning."  And, "The newborn stage is a nightmare."  We were terrified of this "newborn stage," but remained confident that it would be hard and take adjustment, but we'd be OK.  Our parents don't live in the area, so it really is just us working together.  Well, Eliot came.  He was a dream baby.  A constant nurser who would only sleep an hour and a half at a time, but that was the extent of our difficulties.  We didn't have a melt down.  We were fine.  And we were so so so happy.  Everything was perfect.  I worked from home (and even started a new semester and marked attendance in the hospital).  I worked on my doctorate--we had planned for me to have one course remaining and my dissertation by the time Eliot was born, which meant I took insane loads while I was pregnant.  We made it through fine.

Yes, life was never the same.  Yes, it was a big change.  But, it was a change we desperately wanted and loved.

I'm so thankful for Eliot.  I'm so glad we had him when we did.  Adjusting to life as parents wasn't difficult, really.  I think people just freaked out sometimes for us because it can be an adjustment depending on what kind of lifestyle you lead.  There's nothing wrong with being young and social, but our "going out" always consisted of dinner and a trip to Target.  Now Eliot just comes along.  We haven't had a "date" since August and I'm totally fine with that because I have this adorable, sweet baby with us all the time.

Now comes our present-day dilemma.  We want Eliot and baby number two to be close in age.  We're not "there" yet to start trying, but I'm starting to have those same worries again.  Are we ready?  Can we handle it?  Will it be too much of a change?  What about that newborn stage?  Eliot on his own is so... "manageable".  I feel like we have it down.  We have our routines, our roles, and our way of doing things.  We fit together.

That being said, sometimes it can get stressful when Chris and I both have work AND schoolwork to do.  We both work from home, which is awesome, but sometimes a hard shuffle when Eliot refuses to nap in his crib (he wants our bed) and wants to play all the time.  By the way, Chris and I have the same deadlines and timelines, so it is hard to prioritize whose work comes first.  We have considered enrolling him in a mom's day out or preschool program once he hits one in a few months.  Just a few hours a week would help out soooo much.  What happens when we put another baby into the mix?

Sometimes I think life would be easier if we waited until we both finished our dissertations to have a second baby.  That could be another two years, though.  No doubt, it would be easier.  But would it be better?  Life would be "easier" if we had waited for Eliot too, but I welcome the challenge that comes with him because I wanted him and he makes life amazing.  He is an incredible blessing; I never think twice about our decision to go ahead and start a family.  So should I take the same philosophy with baby number two?

I will have a bit of work to do with my dissertation, but I'm hoping that I would be done or close to done by the time we'd have a second.  Plus, if we don't enroll Eliot in some kind of program in a few months, we do plan to in the fall where he will start a Montessori preschool program for 18-month-olds twice a week for about three hours.  This decision is both for his social skills and our sanity with work and school.  I think that will help too when we have a second baby.

I love Eliot and he has made life endlessly more full, but I feel like someone is missing, like baby number two is just waiting to make his or her entrance into our lives.

So what do you think?  I've always wanted to aim for a two-year age gap--which some people say is crazy to begin with.  Do you think we should just welcome the challenge, hope I'm done (or close to it) with my dissertation by then, and know that we'll have an amazing, loving, more full family?