Trying to Conceive After a Miscarriage

I probably shouldn't write this entry.  It feels too personal.

I didn't even realize it would happen, but I have fallen into a new discussion board category.  TTC after MC.  Before we started trying with Eliot, I had no clue about the weird world of odd abbreviations, like bd, 2ww, dh, and cm.  I remember trying to figure it all out from context (made no sense at all) until I found a list defining the terms.  I feel a conference paper coming on....

Well, I didn't have to wade through discussion boards long.  We got pregnant right away.  I would occasionally jump online to see if my pains were typical or cause for alarm.  Usually, the answer was "It's probably nothing, but GO TO THE ER RIGHT NOW ANYWAY!"  And I never went to the ER.  And it was always nothing.

Then when we tried for our second and it was taking longer, I was just a little concerned.  Just a little.  And then I got pregnant.  In this picture below, I was four weeks pregnant.  Eliot was cranky, tired, hungry, and trying to go swimming in the pond (not happening); however, I was over the moon happy and proud and keeping a secret.  I couldn't wait to tell everyone, but we decided to wait until after our 10-week ultrasound.  Baby didn't make it that long.  We lost the baby the next week.

Know what's funny?  Eliot and I both wearing those same shirts today.

Although we decided to take two "normal" cycles off of trying in order to heal up, I still kept getting my hopes up.  Maybe I was wrong; maybe I didn't miscarry.  Maybe I'm still pregnant somehow.  But then I saw that this wasn't the case.  My hope was crushed with new finality.  Chris didn't understand why I was so sad about this.  (Some women complain that their husbands don't seem to understand or sympathize during the process of a miscarriage, but discussing our feelings has never been an issue with us; Chris always wants to hear what I feeling and relates very well.  The miscarriage hit him hard too).  He did mourn the loss of our baby, but he saw my cycles returning to normal as a sign that we could move on and try again.  I saw it as affirmation that it was really over, something I should have already accepted.

Each month, I get my hopes up.  And each month, I have been let down.  I'm worrying that something isn't quite right.  So, to the TTC after MC boards I went.  I haven't found anything to be alarmed about personally, yet I just don't understand why it has been so much more difficult this time.  I know we're always changing.  You're never the same all the way after a pregnancy.  Maybe this is just how I am now.

Chris assures me that we are fine.  He says these things take a while.  It hasn't been that long, really.  And we did manage to get pregnant with a second--we just happened to lose it, which occurs a lot more than people realize.  This is all true.  At the same time, though, it makes me so worried that we will lose another one.  With Eliot and our second baby, I started writing letters right away.  I still have those letters in our second baby's special notebook.  I don't know what to do with them.  Do I rip them out and keep that notebook for our next baby?  Should I bury those pages?  Should I buy a new book?

It has been almost four months since we lost the baby.  I think about how we'd know the gender by now and that I'd only have about four months left.  I shouldn't have done it, but the other day I opened the package that held Eliot's "I'm going to be a big brother" tee-shirt in it.  I had never looked at it because we had lost the baby by the time the shirt came in the mail.  It was really cute.  It is size 18 months.  Will we be able to use it before he gets too big for it?  I wonder if the Etsy seller would let us exchange it....

It seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant without any problems.  So many people have babies without even trying.  When I learn that someone is pregnant, though, I do not feel jealous or angry or spiteful or anything negative.  Not at all.  I feel so overjoyed for them and excited.  I thank God for every baby I learn about.  I appreciate others' blessings more--and I am reminded of how huge of a blessing Eliot is.  I know this whole process would be immensely more difficult without Eliot.  Later, I do let out a little sigh that I cannot join in celebration with our own on the way.  But, maybe that is yet to come.  Maybe next month.