Why I Do Not Blog (Lately)

I have kept a blog of sorts for 15 years.  Fifteen years.  I would report my day-to-day.  I would write what I was feeling.  I write about my dreams, hopes, fears, and so much more.  I was honest.  I felt like I was writing to myself (maybe my future self) or just to nothingness.  However, the internet is not the black nothingness that I once thought it was.  I am not ashamed of anything that I wrote as a thirteen-year-old or an eighteen-year-old.  I remember being 18 and writing about how Chris and I had been together for ten months.  Ten whole months!  That felt so significant back then.  Now that it has been 10 years, 10 months seems like nothing.  That was where I was at that time.  We grow.  I love having a record of my growth.

However, lately I have been more quiet.  Ever since I had Jack, I've had less time for blogging.  There are other reasons, though, besides time.

Who am I writing to?  As I said, I always have written for myself.  Now I also write for my family both near and far.  I write to keep people updated.  I write for my boys so that they will have a glimpse at who I was when they were little ones.  However, there are a lot of other viewers of whom I am unaware.  Do I want to share my insecurities with strangers?  Do I want everyone to know every detail of my day-to-day?  What if someone is reading with ill-intent--if they use my words against me to joke on me?

I have it figured out!  Uh.  Nevermind.  When days are rough, I don't like to complain, so I don't write or I try to write something more positive.  When I think I have our days figured out, I happily report it, but then the boys up and change on me.  I feel like I'm right where I started:  getting by happily but not a "super mom" by any means.  It feels silly to write when I know I will have so many retractions within a couple of days.

So repetitive.  We have a lot of fun, but sometimes I feel like I'm repeating myself.  "I did a lot of work this weeeek.  And then we went to the beach.  And then I planted elephant ears.  I'm glad sunshine exists.  I love my kids.  They love water and Kool-aid.  Want to talk about paaaalm trees?"  I feel like I sound like that constantly.  And I love all of these things.  Don't I have something more entertaining to say?

What will the boys (and their peers) think when they're older?  I've read some blogs where parents worry about their kids' lack of choice in participating in a public blog.  A mother writes a blog, includes countless photos (some embarrassing), and reports intimate details, like the fact that her baby pooped in the tub.  While it is all cute now, that information is public.  Years later, will bullies access my blog and share embarrassing stories (that I think are cute) about my kids to mock them?  I try not to include anything that could be embarrassing, especially now that Eliot is getting older.

My writing is so... sterile.  I have a certain voice on this blog.  Or maybe it is a lack of a voice.  A tone.  It is not an academic tone.  It is not a poetic tone.  It is not a creative tone.  It's almost just like a fact-reporting, mom-ish tone.  It's sterile.  Sometimes the lack of personality makes me sick to my stomach.  In my writing classes, didn't I learn to be more than this?  And the answer is yes.  I save my poems for a notebook that I keep in a drawer next to my bed.  I continue to work on my creative writing and poetic voice in private.  I hash out my academic tone while working on my dissertation.  I have many voices for various outlets.  This is just one of them.  That doesn't stop me from feeling frustrated when I don't "sound" the way I want to.

When I go to blog, these are the thoughts that stop me.  However, I don't plan to stop writing a blog anytime soon.  It's my nature to write.