Dear Jack: 12 Months

Dear Jack,

Happy first birthday!

When we drove to the hospital, I had done my best to set up a plan.  Your brother was with your Robinson grandparents and Aunt Elizabeth getting more than enough attention.  It was my first time away from him overnight and I felt sick to my stomach.  We had a scheduled induction since we had complications with your brother related to him being overdue.  For the first time in nine months, I felt like I had a little bit of control.  Just a little bit.  And though we never are truly in control, I thank God that I went with my instincts and scheduled an induction with you because the cord was wrapped around your neck, dangerously causing your heartrate to dip repeatedly.  When you were born, I let out a sigh of relief.  You were with us and you were safe.

Since that day, I have felt at the mercy of your whims.  When you are hungry, I nurse you.  When you are tired, I let you sleep on me.  For months, we were in survival mode.  I am not good at setting schedules and you are not so good at accepting them.  You may have been outside of me, but I lived to nurture you each day.  And you thrived!  Now that you are one year old, though, you are stepping away.  You sleep through the night.  You nurse just a few times a day.  On June 5, you started walking (at 11 months and about 10 days).  You walk away from me and around the corner to play by yourself.  You were once so very dependent on me; now you are exerting your independence.

These past few days, your brother has been away visiting your grandparents.  I miss him terribly (and I think you do too); however, it has been nice to focus just on you.  You seem like you have developed and grown so quickly while he has been away!  You jabber on with such expression.  You point to communicate.  You run.  And I mean you RUN.  I make cars vroom.  You mimic the way I play with toys.  You build.  You bang toys together.  You make everything growl.  One of your favorite things to do is to carry a toy around the house making it growl.

You are doing well with food.  Finally.  Your favorite foods are icecream, spaghetti (complete with sauce and Boca crumbles instead of ground beef), yogurt, blackbeans, and chips. You clearly point and jabber about what different foods you want.

For your birthday, we went to the Hunt Club.  You were pretty grumpy and not into it.  Then we came home and played in the yard.  A couple of days later, we threw you a dinosaur birthday party.  You dug for dinosaur bones in sand and splashed in the pool.  When it was time for your cupcake, you leaned over and ate the whole thing--and then another one!  We had a beautiful day celebrating you with family and a few friends.

Sometimes I think back to your newborn days and with a sigh I miss how tiny you once were.  You would nurse and then sleep and then nurse some more.  I loved to hold you close all of the time.  The thing is, though, you are becoming more and more fun the older that you grow.  You are more aware and involved.  You are starting to keep up with your brother in play, which is great and exciting, but hard sometimes too.

This birthday isn't about the fact that you are one, but instead celebrating this whole year.  We survived your first year, Jack!  And I think we might have even done a "good job" at it too.

When I was pregnant with you, I worried that I wouldn't be able to love you enough.  How could I give love to two babies at the same time?  How would there be enough of me to go around?  When I learned that you were boy, I was so excited and scared too.  Would I compare you and Eliot?  Would I be unfair without meaning to?  You and Eliot are so very different.  You have different demeanors and accomplish milestones at different rates.  You look like brothers, but you look unique as well.  Without a doubt, I love you both fiercely in the same way and the same amount.  I love every detail about both of you.  I didn't anticipate how full my heart would feel with two boys--how you would take this beautiful thing, our family, and accent it in a perfect way.  You bring so much to our family.  We love you, Jack.  We are so incredibly thankful for you.  Happy first birthday.