Balancing Two

All throughout my pregnancy with Jack, I was terrified if I would be enough.  And it really has gone smoother than I thought, but I want to be honest and say that I don't always feel so confident in myself.  So if you ever have trouble balancing two (or more), here are my confessions:  I don't have it all together, so when you feel that you don't, you're not alone.  Maybe my shortcomings will make you feel better about yourself.  No one is perfect, no matter how pretty the pictures are.

I try very hard to be the best for both boys, but sometimes I find myself grumbling and raising my voice all day.  I get so sick of hearing myself talk.  Eliot responds to being re-directed better than being fussed and nagged at ("Hey, come over here and do x" instead of "HEY!  Stop doing y!"), yet when I'm nursing Jack (which also seems to be constant), I can't get up and encourage Eliot to stop climbing the shelves in the pantry to rip down all of the gummy snacks.  Sometimes, fussing is all I can do.  It's my only defense.  And I hate that.  I'm getting better at it, though.  I'm being more consistent with time-outs.  Just threatening a time out has become pretty effective as well.

Chris and I aim to do something fun every day.  We go to parks, the aquarium, the zoo, the plane museum, petting zoos, the beach, swimming in the backyard, and so much more.  Like all toddlers, Eliot is an active boy, and I try to keep him entertained.  It really is never enough, though.  Around 3:00 pm, Eliot is tireddd.  And how does Eliot react to being tired?  He gets really hyper.  I can sometimes get him to calm down and color or read books, but then 6:30 pm happens and he is nuts until bedtime at 9:00 pm.  He chases the dogs, has to bounce around, and makes a huge mess with every toy.  I've managed to get him to watch TV with me the past few nights at 8:00 pm, yet I feel like I can't keep up with all of the games he wants to play.  When he grows too hyper and can't be contained, I tell him to go in his room if he absolutely must jump or be loud.

I tend to have sensory overload issues that I work around.  I can't have things in my face.  I hate being tickled.  And poked.  When you have a toddler, though, these things happen.  A lot.  And I always make it a point not to grumble at Eliot for getting too close.  However, when I'm nursing, I cannot have someone else crawling all over me or poking me or putting toys on me or standing on my feet (seriously, why does he stand on my feet?!).  Sometimes I just close my eyes and wait for Eliot to get distracted so I can keep it together.  This sounds horrible, but it's something I try to work through!  And I feel so guilty that I have trouble playing with Eliot while nursing at the same time because Jack-Jack eats a LOT.

I post tons and tons of Instagram photos of Eliot cuddling with Jack.  It is adorable, and Eliot does not show any jealousy toward Jack.  I'm thankful for that.  But the truth is that I very often am squirming inside, hoping that Eliot isn't about to slam his heavy head into Jack's soft spot.  This has never happened and I remind Eliot "GENTLE" all the time (constantly).  I hate being such a NAG.

At the end of the day when both boys are asleep, sometimes I feel rotten inside.  I feel inadequate and like I have hurt Eliot's feelings throughout the day by not playing when he wants to or by raising my voice too much when I simply have run out.  I feel like I haven't paid enough attention to Jack.   All I can do is try to be better the next day, and I think I'm getting there.  I am so incredibly thankful for these boys and humbled that I have the privilege of being their mother.  I hope I can do well by them.

(And the truth is that sometimes you take pictures and get cute portraits, and sometimes you get silly pictures like this, but that's what real life is like)