A Growing Family

Some nights, it is hard getting Eliot to bed.  He might cry or say he wants to sleep in my bed or claim that he "can't" go night night.  More often, though, these arguments settle, and Eliot tells me the sweetest things.  He lists all of the people who love me (including each member of both sides of our families) and then lists all of the people who love him.  Tonight, he told me that he would always love me, and my heart melted right there.

These nights of tucking Eliot in are indeed laborious, but they are so, so sweet too.  Each night, I come away exhausted, but thankful for him and thankful for our families.  I am so thankful that Eliot and Jack have so many people who love them dearly--and I am thankful that Eliot is confident that he is loved.

Each year, our families grow and change.  Chris's parents and sister came in town this weekend, which was great, but it wasn't a planned trip.  They came in for a funeral.  Chris's great aunt Martha died.  This funeral comes on the heels of another loss.  About a week and a half ago, Chris's great aunt Vivian passed away.  Both of these great aunts were closer than your typical extended family; they were more like grandmothers to Chris and his sister.

Death always makes us reflective.  It makes us value life more, I think.  I know it does for me, at least.  I don't want to have any regrets with my family.  I don't want to wish that I took more pictures or said "I love you" more or spent less time worrying about the inconsequential details of life.

For a few summers, we used to go to the same beach house with Chris's family.  We took a family portrait about every other year.  We have taken a total of five family portraits together.  It always meant a lot to me that they allowed me in their family pictures, even before Chris and I were engaged.  It seemed like it had been a while since we took a family portrait, and I really wanted some more photos of them all with Jack, so I set one up.  I think we all look pretty good!

2013

Looking back, I remembered that we also took a portrait together last summer too.  It wasn't entirely planned.  None of us dressed up.  However, I still value it.  It has "only" been a year, but so much has changed.  Eliot has grown an incredible amount.  Our Jack-Jack is here with us now, too.  Sometimes we lose family members, but our family grows too.  I wonder where we'll be in another year.

2012

2007

While I Wait: Thoughts on Our Marriage & a Week Recap

I sit in bed this rainy Monday doing a little work and watching our boy sleep.  I am just waiting for 8:00 am to come so I can call my doctor.  Somehow my appointment didn't save in my calendar in my phone, so I'm not sure of the time all the way.  I am 95% sure my appointment is today, and I believe it is 9:20 am, but I want to be sure it isn't something like 9:00 am or 9:45 am.  You know, I probably just didn't hit the right button as I saved my appointment information while leaving the doctor's office last time.  I had the gestational diabetes test, which I was worrying about, and I was eager to call Chris and talk to him.

We both work from home and are usually together.  In fact, we are rarely apart.  When we are (when he is working out, one of us goes to the store, I have a doctor's appointment, one of us is doing something with a friend, and so on), I miss him and we spend a lot of time texting each other.  That might seem ridiculous to some people.  Some might even call it co-dependent.  Some might say it isn't healthy.  But it's not that we can't do anything on our own--we're functioning adults, of course--instead that we miss each other and we really like being around each other.

Throughout our relationship, we've always been together.  I mean, we were long distance for about eight months, but then we always took similar classes, worked the same jobs (English grad assistants, a J. Crew call center, Education grad assistants, and now online instructors), which meant that we always knew what each other were going through.

I was thinking the other day of how we spend most of our time together, but we are often "apart" in our home.  I might be working while cuddling with Eliot as he watches a movie in bed while Chris is working in the den.  Or we might doing yard work "together" with me pulling weeds and Chris cutting the grass.  Or I might be cleaning the bathroom while he takes Eliot for a walk.  I think that through the years, we have struck a good balance.

We go through ups and downs like anyone else because we're not perfect people, but we rarely really fight.  We genuinely like being with one another.  I don't have to watch what I say around him in the sense that I can be myself and say what I really think.  He's the one person that I don't feel even slightly guarded around.  I can anticipate how he will react to certain situations and I accommodate those feelings as I see them coming, just as he does for me.  I know when he will grow anxious and needs a little help.  And he recognizes when I need to eat, but my brain is shutting down and I'm freezing up, and he forces me to eat something healthy.

Maybe it can be summed up in this.  We were watching The Lion King last night with Eliot.  I don't laugh during movies or tv shows or anything (unless it is a screaming goat and then I cry from laughter just thinking about it).  Chris, though, does laugh.  And we were getting to a part in the movie where I knew he'd laugh.  And I was so very much looking forward to it because I love to see him laugh.  He has the best laugh.

I feel like I haven't updated in forever because this past week has gone by quickly.

We spent a couple of days hunting for palm trees (more on that later).

Eliot and I had a play date with friends at the park.

Both of our dogs got their teeth cleaned and we neutered our younger dog, Dexter.  Dexter has had a little bit of a tougher recovery (he had to get a tooth extracted too), so we've been trying to stick a little close to him.

And we've been doing a lot of grading.

Jack keeps growing and I keep feeling all kinds of new pregnancy pains, like Braxton Hicks contractions already, which I am not trying to whine about.  I'm sure I'll eat my words later, but there is something about new pain in pregnancy that I find thrilling:  it means he's growing and we're getting closer.

Well, it's about time to call the doctor to check on my appointment time.  Nine weeks left tomorrow!

Two Boys

I took these photos of Eliot when he was seven months old.

Here as I am entering the third trimester, it is funny to think that I really believed throughout the first trimester (and then some) that we were having a girl.  All of my pregnancy symptoms pointed to "girl," so I bought into it.  But now that I have known for ten weeks (it's only been ten weeks since the ultrasound?!) that we are definitely having a boy, well, I can't imagine it any other way.  At this point, adding a girl to our family this summer would seem so odd.  Jack will fit perfectly into our family.  And I can't wait.

When we are playing outside with Eliot, I think to myself, "I can't wait for Jack to be here.  I can't wait to have TWO boys."

I was trying to figure out dinner in the kitchen while Chris watched Eliot outside from the deck.  I heard this adorable exchange.  "Eliot," Chris instructed, "Put those rocks back.  Put ALL OF THOSE ROCKS back!"  Eliot's reply?  "A bug!"  I laughed at my boy excitedly finding bugs underneath our decorative river stones in the garden.  When we add another son to the mix, there will be even more bugs, rocks, dirt, and messes--I love it.

I think having two boys fits me rather well.  I'm not very girly.  The last time I painted my nails was for my wedding.  I don't even own nail polish (and didn't back then for my wedding either).  Growing up, I thought princesses were pretty awesome, but I was more likely to be found climbing a tree, trying to learn guitar, or wishing I could skateboard and surf.  And though I was never into sports, I like Eliot enjoying sports and playing football outside because it is something he likes.  When I thought of having a girl, I grew a little nervous.  I would much rather play with dinosaurs and cars than Barbies.

I wonder about the dynamics of our two sons.  Eliot is sensitive, creative (drawing, music, taking pictures...), assertive, independent, loves the outdoors and sports, cares deeply about animals, and loves to read.  I wonder if Jack will be similar or if he will be all sports or all creativity.  I wonder if he will be independent too or more of a follower since he has an older brother.  I dream of how they will fit together and how they will conflict with one another (because I know that is inevitable).  As a younger sibling, I wanted to be just like my older sister, but the truth was that we are entirely different people.  I can't be like her because I'm not like her.  We were born with completely separate personalities, and I think that is so interesting--how two children of the same gender can come from one set of parents and end up so different.

Jack will likely be our last babe.  I warned Chris, though, that I might really be feeling a baby itch when I hit 30, so I'm not saying this is it for sure--and sometimes you can't control how many kids you have anyway.  If we do have a third, of course I would be overjoyed to have a girl and would also be so thankful to have a third boy.  At this point, though, having two fits our plans, the size of our home, our finances, and our goals.

Eliot hugs and kisses my belly while saying that he "love[s] Baby Jack."  He touches my belly and giggles at Jack's kicks.  He says he wants to "hold Back Jack."  I love that Eliot and Jack will have each other, even if (and when...) they don't always get along.

On the Farm

Every September, we go to Johnson's Farm for apples and quality time with goats.  Also every year, we come away scheming with ways to acquire a farm.

I know it sounds silly, but I love goats.  And chickens.  And the idea of having a huge garden.  It all reminds me of growing up and playing at my grandpa's farm in Virginia Beach.  Walking with the goats.  Collect the hens' eggs.  Clipping the geese's wings--and trying to steal their goslings.  Feeding the sheep.  Begging my dad to push me hard on the tire swing just one more time. 

For years, I have dreamed of starting a rabbit sanctuary where we would adopt bunnies from the humane societies (they are one of the least-adopted pets).  I'd give them a home and love on the farm and then adopt them out to well-informed rabbit lovers--people that want more than an "Easter bunny" for a couple of months.

We'd plant peach trees and sunflowers.  We'd have an area for bonfires.  We'd camp out in our tent at the back of the field.

And maybe when Eliot grew older and could help out more, we'd get a couple of horses.

I always leave Johnson's Farm wanting these things.  I often would come home and look up land and farms for sale in the area.  Now that my grandma has moved to an assisted living community, her house is open.  She lives on seven and a half acres--the farm that I think back to from when I was young.  We could buy it if we wanted to, and Memaw so desperately wants her home and land to stay in the family.

When I was about seven, I peeked through a peep hole in the barn to watch a baby goat being born.  I'll never forget that sight--no one else was around, just me, momma goat, and her two new babies, slick from the womb and panting.

The reality is, though, that a farm is a lot of work.  I think I'd love it, but I don't know if I have the energy to devote to keeping up a fence, seven acres, and looking after animals.  And I am so terrible at getting anything to grow.  The truth is that the house is smaller than our's right now; we'd need to at least add on an addition and the whole place needs renovating and cleaning.  Not to mention that the schools are not so good.  Private school is expensive and I don't know if I am well-equipped for homeschooling.  It is located on a curvy, busy road and the house is not set far back from the traffic.  Many, many times, people have driven through my grandma's yard on accident.  One time, a drunk driver hit her car, which then ran into the house.  The road is not safe, and there is some talk of the city eventually widening it.  There are so many obstacles.  I don't think it'll happen, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming from time to time.

The Mother and the Scholar

Everyone warned me that life would change when I had a baby.  They said it would never be the same.  It's true; I took on a new role and identity.  However, if you look closely, you'll see that I am still the same person, just growing.

Reconciling who I "was" and my role as a mother has been a tough balancing act.  Before I had Eliot, a large part of my identity was wrapped up in my attempts at becoming a scholar, or a professional student, you could say.  I read, wrote, taught, and took a lot of classes.  During my Master's degree program, I probably wrote (and heavily revised) about 500 pages (or more).  About 120 of those pages made up my thesis.  From there, I moved on to my doctorate classes.  I took all of the coursework and some extra classes in a year and a half.  Then I had Eliot.

In January 2011, I had two classes, the comprehensive exam, and the dissertation standing between me and my doctorate.  I was relieved to take one sub-term off of school so that Eliot was two months old when I stepped back into the education game.  It was hard.  I would do school work while nursing or holding him over my shoulder.  I learned to type with one hand.  I made it through with the support of my husband and many sleepless nights.  Sometimes I would get Eliot to sleep at nine and work until he woke up for his first feeding at eleven.  And then do the same thing until he woke again at one.  And so on.  I was used to it, though, from my Master's degree program and have since gotten very lazy because Eliot sleeps through the night--and I do too.

Holding a sleeping baby while grading

As an online English instructor, I have a lot of students returning to college after a sizable break.  These students have "real world" problems that my residential freshmen (when I was a grad assistant) often did not.  Instead, these returning students have full-time jobs, unconventional schedules, children, and other commitments.  Before I had Eliot, I didn't understand what they were going through all the way.  Now, though, I do.  I mean, my struggles with writing my dissertation while arguing with Eliot about why we can't watch "choo choo" on my laptop at the same time are nothing compared to what many of my students overcome, but I get it.  My little glimpse of trying to balance it all is enough to understand.

I don't write as much or what I want to write like I did back then.  I don't read what I want to read as much either.  Currently, I have the Bible and New Stories from the South (the 2010 edition.  HA!) next to my bed.  If I'm lucky, I'll read a short story in the morning before I start working or researching until Eliot wakes up.  However, that part of me, the attempt at becoming a scholar, is still there.

Part of achieving this balance was my decision to go easy on myself.  I plowed through undergrad in three years.  I went straight on to my M.A.  Then I took a lot of classes in a short period of time for my doctorate, never taking a summer off.  If the price of my sanity was taking my time through the dissertation (like, taking a year and half or two opposed to trying to finish it in six months), that was fine.  I didn't need to hurt my head or burn out over unrealistic deadlines that I was pushing on myself.  For the first time in my college career, I needed to give myself a break.  I'll still probably finish this running-in-circles project before I'm 27 anyway.

Then there are times that I feel that I am not fully filling my role as a mother.  Eliot will probably never understand that a literature review must be continually updated with new research.  He won't get why my laptop can't always play cool movies or why I get angry when he exits out of a student's paper.  He will not comprehend that I actually would rather be playing cars with him on the rug than trying to figure out which learning styles instrument best suits my study.  One day, though, I think he'll appreciate that I tried to be the best for him and also the best for my personal dreams, educational aspirations, and career goals.  I hope that inspires him, too, knowing that if his mother was able to balance it somehow, then he certainly can do whatever he hopes to with the support of his parents.

A Hard Summer, Toddler Portraits, and an 80th Birthday

It has been a trying summer with lots of up and downs for my family.  I keep thinking that if we can just make it out of the season and into fall, we'll be OK; however, things keep coming up.  In the process, other troubling events smooth out, which I am thankful for.  We've all endured a lot of emotion, loss, pain, and some redemption this summer, so no matter how stressed or on edge I feel, I keep in mind that I'm not in this alone.  Instead, the rest of my family is having the same experiences; at different points, we each have been closer to the issue at hand, so we all just need to learn to support and lean on each other.

When I was in high school, my heart would go into a panic whenever the house phone rang.  Our family endured a lot of death in a short period of time, and I was always expecting the worst.  And it kept coming and always on holidays.  I feel like we've gotten wrapped up in a similar pattern that I hope stops soon.

I haven't written about everything that has happened.  While I am generally reasonably transparent on here, not all of the "events" are mine in full to disclose.  I recently learned more troubling news that has gotten me down.  However, I will say that my grandmother was successfully moved to a great assisted living community, one that she surprisingly seems to really love even though she before had out-right refused to even consider one.  Through some medication adjustments, the doctors were able to help her reach some form of stability amidst her delusions (thinking that people were trying to kill her, she had been in a desert for five years, she just got out of jail, she was the Queen of England, and so on).  At one point, we all worried that she was going to end up institutionalized for the rest of her life, but she was stable and grounded in reality (and not violent) enough to make the move.  Plus, her boyfriend is at the same assisted living place.  And he has made a great recovery with brain cancer!  See, I told you a lot has been going on with our family since the beginning of the summer!

I'm not saying the summer has been all bad.  We've had a lot of good times as a result of the hard, like our vacation to Myrtle Beach, lots of family time with both sides, and visiting friends.

This week, we spent a lot of time with the other side of the family--Christopher's.  His mom has been in town helping his sister get settled into her new apartment.  His mom had fun playing with Eliot at the park and also watched Eliot so Chris and I could see the new Batman movie.  Maybe I'll write about that later.

Eliot is really blessed to have two sets of grandparents that think the world of him.

Today, I took Eliot's 18-month portraits.  A little late, but two days before he turns 19 months, so still in time!  It is hard to catch shots of Eliot smiling.  He just doesn't smile for the camera; instead, he does this model face thing.  We tried something a little different today, though.  We let Eliot look at the iPad.  Instant smiles.

Just because I am always measuring time in photos, I looked back at Eliot's one year portraits.  Man, I didn't even notice how much he was changing.  Six months makes such a difference and goes so fast!

Can you believe that difference?  Good thing the kid finally grew some hair.

And for extra fun, here he is a year ago at six months.

 

For dinner, the whole Robinson family (us, his parents and sister, his aunt and uncle, and his cousins) headed over to Chris's grandma's assisted living place for her 80th birthday.  We got to eat out on their patio, so Eliot had plenty of room to run and play.  I got an instagram shot of all of the grandkids (and great-grandkid) with Glenna.  Although her Alzheimer's is progressing, I think she is doing great physically--I mean, the lady broke her hip and had it replaced just six weeks ago or so (did I mention this summer has been crazy?).  Chris's dad has been very dedicated to helping the best he can.  He has been coming to Lynchburg almost every weekend since then, taking her to doctor's appointments, and just sitting with her.  We hope to get some more answers about what we can do to further help her mind soon.

Things aren't always easy.  You take the bad with the good and try your best to make the bad better.  One thing is for sure:  we aren't alone in any of this and have family on all sides loving and caring for each other.

What I Did on My Birthday, or Take Heed and Take Care

I didn't have much special planned for my birthday.  I wasn't expecting anything; I didn't really want anything either.  Chris's parents were in town for his grandma, so we had lunch with them downtown and saw them off to Woodbridge.  It is really nice to be around family on birthdays.  Somehow, I always end up seeing his parents or mine on my birthday.  Chris also bought me two bunches of flowers and a card.

We spent the day a little on edge.  My grandma has been in the hospital again due to a minor physical issue, but this time around (thank God), they finally noticed that something wasn't right mentally.  My family has been trying to have her evaluated for a long time without much success.  They even got her in a doctor's office once, but it blew up in their faces and she ended up not talking to anyone in the family for a few months.  We were all noticing extreme paranoia, overly-excessive forgetfulness, mood swings, and so on.  With her recent hospital stay, though, they finally had the chance to alert someone about the issues we've all been worrying about--the fact that she called the police from her hospital bed to say her nurses were trying to kill her didn't help her case for being OK.  So, she has been evaluated and will be re-evaluated at another place with a specialist.

Over the past five years, my grandma would go from living with my parents, to then living with my aunt, to then getting angry with everyone and moving home with her boyfriend.  She has said very hurtful things about all of us at different times as well as the nicest things at other times.  I jokingly attributed it to too many Lifetime movies, boredom, a hate for men, and a love for the dramatic.  I think we all felt very hurt, but maybe some of it she couldn't help.  Maybe deep down, she loved us, but she was confused and scared.  All of us loved her too and just wanted to take care of her, yet she wouldn't have it.

If I wasn't already thoughtful about life on my birthday, this event threw me over the top.  I feel bad for my mom (and aunt).  I feel bad for my grandma.  Watching this all unfold, it seems to me that people should go into a retirement home when they still can make rational decisions.  Clearly, this isn't an easy decision, and it is hard to leave home.  Either that or trust your children, give them power of attorney, and tell them what you want to happen.  Not everyone has trustworthy kids; however, you have to set everything up for yourself while you still can before it is too late.

My mom puts everyone before herself--even people who spit in her face.  I know she will continue to do everything she can to take care of my grandmother.  I know my grandmother isn't going to be left alone and the doctors are just trying to get her the right care.  So, please say a prayer for my mom, aunt, and grandmother if you think about them.

The Weekend

Since last weekend was full of grading, this weekend was full of family.  On Saturday afternoon, Chris's parents came in town.  We met them over at Shaker's for lunch.  Eliot so wanted to run around the parking lot, but that issss not safe.

After lunch, they did some running around with Elizabeth and we took Eliot home.for.a.nap.  He had skipped his morning nap and was falling asleep all over the place.  We felt so cooped up and bored out of our minds, so we went for a little walk before it began to rain.  Chris's parents were in town to see a friend play a concert, so we didn't see them that night.

On Sunday, we met them for lunch at La Carretta.  We forgot to ask for a cup of water for Eliot (I always forget!), so he shared Christopher's water.  And he thought it was hilarioussss.

Then we headed over to see Glenna (Chris's grandmother).  As always, his dad brought her a milkshake, but Eliot was bent on stealing it.

Chris's parents came back to our house for a little while, and then headed back home.  Chris and I were feeling cooped up (again) and it was raining (again), so we went to Target.  We needed groceries, but I didn't feel like going to a grocery store.  I don't know why I don't like grocery stores, yet enjoy Target....  I think more than anything I just wanted to get out out out.  Anyway, we picked up a couple of things and enough food to hold us over until I make up a menu of sorts and really go grocery shopping today.

On the way home, we got a milkshake to share (Glenna's had looked so good.  Ha), and Eliot was more than happy to take part.  It is difficult to get it away from him in the car, but when we got out, he kept trying to feed it to me.  He's so sweet.

Woodbridge, Grading, and Cherry Blossoms

It's been a while!  This past weekend, we went to Woodbridge to visit Chris's parents.  His parents weren't able to come in last week due to the snow and it was his mom's birthday.  She still hadn't seen Eliot walk, so we knew we had to get up there.

Stoked for a road trip!

Chris's parents got him this football hat.  Then Eliot found some drumsticks.  He's so going to be in a band some day.

Eliot and Granddad Robinson watching some basketball.

Chris can still read music!

We came home ready to get to grading.  We obviously didn't grade too much over the weekend, but I did start grading early on in the week.  And I graded in the car.  Still, I graded from 7:00 am til 11:00 pm on Monday, only stopping for lunch (30 minutes) and dinner (an hour).  Chris watched Eliot so I could do my work.  They went to the park at one point!

I know that I mentioned that Eliot is climbing up everything now, but he is just everywhere in new ways now!  Up the chair, over to the coffee table (in the corner), throwing all the diapers on the floor, divebombing onto the couch...  I goes on and on, but he doesn't ever fall or get hurt.  So, whatever.  Go on, little dude.  Explore your heart out.

Tuesday (yesterday) was our "fun" day since I finished up my work.  We walked up to the park!  Spring is all over the place.  Good thing we went yesterday because it is raining today, which is nice in its own way.

It has hit me this month.  I always am amazed at how Eliot is turning from "baby" to "boy," but now that he is running and throwing things around and exploring, he doesn't seem like a baby at all--well, aside from his bald head and the fact that he doesn't talk in sentences.  I guess he's a toddler, so that makes sense.  And it is fun, but, man, he is simply not a baby anymore.

A Solid Door

What a productive weekend!  My parents came in town with hopes of tackling a reasonable yet long to-do list.  In fact, we had planned for this list to take up two weekends, and while it will in the end, we got so much done that next time will just be little clean ups.

We renovated the downstairs bathroom last year.  It needed it.  However, we never actually hung a door (oops).  This sounds bad, but it is attached to the downstairs bedroom (office/playroom) and the toilet and shower are really around a corner, so people would have plenty of privacy.  Still, it needed a door.

Hanging a door can be surprisingly complex! Like everything else in this old house that doesn't believe in right angles, the frame was set for a non-traditional door size.  So, Chris and my dad picked up an inexpensive door.  You know, the ones that are technically hollow?  Well, we just needed to trim off an inch, but that was too much.  We had a hole exposing all of the door guts--foam and cardboard.  Back to Lowes for a solid, more expensive door!  It is all set up now and just needs some paint and the door knob.  That is for next time.

The weatherman was promising snow today, but I didn't fully believe them.  Just goes to show what I know because it has been snowing since around 11:00 am.  It's about time we got our first snow of the season.  It has been so warm this winter (and I truly appreciate that) that I didn't think Eliot would see his first snow this year at all.  Here it is, though, and I think it might be my favorite kind.  Pretty, but doesn't stick around too long.  Tomorrow is supposed to be rather warm, so we're getting our playtime in early before it all melts.

Eliot thought the snow was interesting at first.  That is, until he touched it with his hands.  He didn't cry or scream, but he definitely wanted to be picked up.  Ha!  Maybe we'll have more fun in the morning.

I'm so glad that we got a few photos of the house in the snow this year.  Since we painted it last summer, the colors are perfect for wintry whites.  I think it looks great.

Tonight, we went outside to get a few night photos of the house.  It was surprisingly comfortable outside; we enjoyed walking up and down the neighborhood street.

 

And for those of you who are keeping up, my laptop is almost officially toast.  It was so bad that my dad took it home with him to possibly (and probably) have to wipe.  Chris has been kind enough to share with me, so I'm trying not to have a nervous breakdown over all of this craziness, but I have been surprisingly cool, especially considering how distraught and stressed out I was last week.  Sometimes you just have to get it out to then calm down and take care of things.