"Will I be all alone in the world?"

As I tuck Eliot in bed at night, he has so many questions about life and death.  His questions give me a glimpse into his little three-year-old brain.  And sometimes his perception on life breaks my heart because he is so full of fear at times--fear that I don't want him to be dealing with.

"When you and Daddy and Jack die, will I be all alone in the world?" he asked.  My heart sunk.  What a horrible feeling he must have felt when he thought of that.

I told him no, that we weren't going to die for a long, long time, and that he has so many people that love him and family members to care for him that he would never, ever be alone.

Still, in my heart, I know that I cannot promise Eliot that I won't die any time soon.  I don't think I will, and I pray that I don't, but we never know.  I certainly didn't tell him that, though, not now.  Eliot is such a positive little guy.  He loves life.  If Chris and I are bickering, he always tells us to stop.  If Jack is crying, Eliot comforts him.  If one of us gets stressed out, even just driving in traffic, Eliot tells us "it will be all right".  So when he starts asking about death or tells me that he is scared of monsters, I feel so bad for him because that is real in his world.  In Eliot's world, he takes things literally:  shadows are monsters, games of freeze tag really result in someone being frozen forever, and the AC turning on at night is a t-rex roaring.

I cupped his face in my hands and said, "I thank God for you every day.  Before we had you, I prayed for you.  I prayed that God would give us a baby.  And that baby was you.  And we love you so much.  I'm so glad we have you."  Eliot smiled and seemed more at ease.  He said he loved me too, rolled on his side, and asked me to sing to him while he went to sleep.

I do wonder where this is all stemming from.  We haven't lost any family members recently.  Our rabbit and cat died within a year of each other, which we tried to keep hush-hush (but he figured it out, of course).  Is it normal for three-year-olds to begin asking about life, death, the afterlife, creation, and so on?  Maybe it is.  I know three-year-olds question everything, so maybe he has just started exploring the abstract, especially since our two pets died.

These existential and spiritual talks all serve as a reminder that Eliot is indeed growing up.  He loves to have fun and run around and draw and jump and pretend to transform into animals.  He is light-hearted and could play all day, but there is also a very deep side to him that wants to understand everything.  That little brain of his is always thinking.  And he reminds me of my own questions and worries.  The world is full of beauty, hope, love, and life, yet it is also full of suffering, evil, cruelty, and death.  The more questions Eliot asks and the more he becomes aware that there is more to life than play, I have to prepare myself with answers or gentle guidance that we don't always have all of the answers and that is OK.  I want to teach Eliot to focus on the beauty around him and be the best person he can in order to help snuff out the bad.  Be generous to all.  Love all.  Be hopeful in all circumstances.  Persevere.  Pray everyday.  Be thankful for everything.  And sometimes all the medicine we need is a short walk through the woods with a pen and some paper.