Dear Eliot: Three Years--The Last Letter

Dear Eliot,

Today, you are three years old.  We practiced us asking you how hold you were and your response.  Three years old.  You are not a baby anymore.

 

At your first birthday party, we celebrated the end of your infanthood.  I celebrated the accomplishment of "making it through" the first year with all of our firsts--giving birth, your first night at home, nursing for six months, learning to eat, your first word ("nana"), and so much.  Our sweet, bald-headed boy with hazel eyes.  Growing up so quickly.  It felt significant because we survived and learned so much together.

 

 

On your second birthday, your hair had grown in blond--almost white--and you had obvious interests and preferences.  You had become such an individual, yet you still were a baby in your limitations.  You were trying to learn how to be a person and communicate.

Now at three, you are no longer our baby.  You are all boy.  We celebrated with a Cars and Planes party because you said you wanted both.  You said, "We will have balloons and cupcakes and I will be so happy!"

At three, we are celebrating your autonomy.  You sleep in your own room in a regular bed (though you still creep in our room in the early morning).  You feed yourself and tell me what you want to eat (and what you don't want to eat).  You brush your own teeth.  You can buckle (and unbuckle...) your own carseat.  You play soccer.  You can say anything you want and seem to remember everything.  The last step out of babyhood is pottytraining, which we have been working on over the past few days--and you're doing great!

I love the adventurer that you are.  You love to run and explore.

I think more than anything, we are celebrating that we (you, your dad, and I) have worked hard at trying to shape you into a decent person.  And, what do you know, we're doing pretty all right!  I can tell because you are so kind and sweet to others.  Maybe you have trouble sharing sometimes, but you are very concerned with other people.  If your dad or I seem stressed, you approach us and encourage us, saying, "It'll be all right.  It is OK!"

I love seeing you interact with your brother.  I love how you try to read to him, give him toys, share your food with him (not yet, little buddy), and comfort him when he cries.  You love to make him laugh, and though it is extra crazy sometimes, I let you jump and clown around in attempts to make him giggle.  You always get him to laugh.  I love the bond you have with him.  You tell me that he is "so cute" and "sweet".  You are constantly trying to cuddle with him on the floor and get blankets for him.  I can't imagine a better big brother for him.

Thank you for being so forgiving.  I try really hard not to lose my patience, but sometimes it happens.  Sometimes I snap.  And I am so sorry.  However, you forgive me quickly and shower me with love and acceptance.  You are always eager to help.  You shout in a deep, super hero voice, "I will help you!  I am so strong!"  It is so funny.

Looking back, it has been amazing to see how much you have changed since last year.  Holidays and birthdays are making more sense to you.  Last year, you went along with Christmas, but the magic and wonder of it all really seemed to sink in this time.  As we counted down the days, you kept asking to "go to" Christmas.  It finally came and all the decorations and details made sense--like why we had those "big socks" hanging from the mantle.

I have learned so much from you over these past few years, and I still have more to learn.  When I found out that I was pregnant with you, I was so full of joy, but I was also afraid.  I was afraid I would fail you.  I was afraid that I couldn't do it.  Looking back, we have done fine together, and you have grown into an amazing boy with strong character.  You're still growing and learning, of course, but you are well on your way.  I love you, Eliot.  You made me into a mother and changed me for the better.

2013//2014

I began reflecting on the New Year back in the middle of December.  A lot changed for us last December.  Around the middle of the month, we packed up all of our belongings into a moving truck and locked the door of our first home--a house that had been our dream and then spent about eight months trying to sell.  It had been a long, long road, and then we moved back home.  About a week later (the 22nd, I believe), we closed on our new house in Chesapeake.  Everything about it was bittersweet.

In that time, we also announced that I was 12 weeks pregnant with our second baby. So much has changed.  So much has changed.

And maybe it also is pressing on my heart so much because Eliot will be turning three years old in nine days.  He won't be a baby at all anymore.  His appearance from last year has changed so much.  He looked big to me back then, but now he is... so much more grown, even.  I didn't see it as it was happening, yet here he is:  a boy.

Looking back, at the beginning of the year, Eliot was in full-swing terrible twos.  Tantrums and melt-downs in public.  Everything felt like a fight.  He was going through a food strike too--he would only eat fruit snacks.  I felt like a bad parent.  Because nothing was easy, and I so rarely "won".

I know I didn't do everything perfectly, but we made it through.  Looking back, we've made such progress.  Melt-downs in public are rare instead of common and usually are the result of being over-tired and hungry.  We face new challenges now.  Eliot asks "why?" about everything, including silly things like why the sun is up or why the aquarium is closed at bedtime or why he can't put cars on Jack's head.  He is curious.  He is exploring boundaries and finding his pecking order, so to say.  Sometimes I feel like a bad parent again, but for different reasons.  However, this time I know we'll make it through again to new challenges.  In 2015, I'll look back and say how things have changed.

In the beginning of 2013, I had a two-year-old and an ever-changing body with a growing belly.  Our family has grown, changed, and become more full.  It is hard for me to believe that Jack has been with us for half of the year.  Pregnancy (and the year itself) seemed to drag on forever.  Both have ended, though, and Jack is far from the newborn we brought home from the hospital.  I knew I wanted two kids, but even when I was pregnant I didn't realize how incomplete our family was without him.  I didn't know how full a second baby would make our home feel (I mean in a good way).  I have written it before, but our Jack truly healed my heart after it had been broken by loss on June 1, 2012.

2012 was a hard year for us.  We went through a lot of heartache and uncertainty.  A lot of loss.  A lot of questions.  A lot of family members in pain.  I had hope that 2013 would be different, that we could start over, and that perhaps we could find healing.  We had a great year, and I can't wait to see what 2014 will bring.

This Past Month

I can't believe that I haven't written in almost a month....  I didn't even write the boys' letters this month, so I will definitely need to go back and update those.

This past month has been busy and difficult in different ways.  At the beginning of December, we took a small trip to Williamsburg.  My parents had a week-long timeshare there, but only could stay a few days.  The rest of the week was ours!  I was looking forward to catching up on my "missed pool time" from this past summer due to having Jack.  I planned to spend a lot of time at the indoor pool.  Well, our plans didn't work out.  Jack's sleeping habits have been growing worse and worse.   It's been crazy.  On his best nights, he was getting up every two hours, but not necessarily to eat.  Sometimes he'd just cry for two hours.  On his worst nights, I would have to sleep on the couch with him and allow him to nurse all night (or really just using me as a paci).  I couldn't stay in our room because his constant crying would wake up both Chris and Eliot (even though Eliot was in his own room!!).  It was hard.  So, yeah, Jack did that our first and only night in Williamsburg.  Not to mention the whollllleee time Eliot kept asking to go home.  That kid does not get vacations!  We did go to the pool once and then to Christmastown.

Our Christmastown adventure ended this way....  In case you don't know, Christmastown is really just Busch Gardens (an amusement park) all decked out for Christmas.  Tons of lights and decorations...  It's really nice!  As we were finishing up, though, we waited for a train ride around the park.  Then I smelled it.  Jack had a diaper just as the train pulled up.  I told Chris to get on and that I'd meet in somewhere.  But where?  The train station in France!  That is what Chris said.  Well, OK!  I can figure that out!  So I ran off with Jack in his stroller to find a bathroom.  I found one in Ireland.  And the diaper was a blowout.  I mean, everywhere. I can do this....  I got him all cleaned up and clarified with a person who worked there how to get to France.  Jack was screaming and cryinggg.  It was dark and I was running as fast as I could so I could get there and take Jack out.  But get this.  THERE ISN'T A TRAIN STATION IN FRANCE.  And Chris's phone battery died!!!!  How would I ever find him (and Jack is still screaming)?!?!  I asked someone who worked there (again) if there was a train station in New France.  He pointed me to the right direction.  As I was almost there, I thought I heard a faint voice calling my name.  But I didn't see anyone.  It was dark, as I said.  I kept walking.  And then heard my name again.  Chris and Eliot found me!  Phew!

We headed out then.  The boy fell asleep in the car.  And when we got home, we realized that Eliot had locked a door that doesn't have a key, meaning we were locked out of our house.  It was late.  Eliot was crying.  Jack was crying.  I was going to cry.  Fortunately, my parents were there with plans to drop the dogs off for us and they helped us break into our own house.  Gaaaah!

So, that trip was kind of a bust.

After that, we had final grades to submit for work, so it was best that we got home to finish up the term strong.  We also were trying to get all of our final things together for Christmas (and finish up Christmas shopping because, man, that happened fast!).  Right after we posted final grades, we had these freakishly warm days in December.  We took advantage of them by going to the beach twice.  As it turns out, Jack loves eating and playing with sand.  And of course Eliot loves running on the beach and flirting with waves.  I didn't get much beach time this past summer while pregnant and after I had Jack, so it was really refreshing to sit on the beach with everyone having fun.  While pregnant, I was always so uncomfortable (and even threw up once).  When we would go with Jack as a newborn, I'd just be worrying about him being too hot the whole trip and I couldn't get in the water.  It is going to be completely different this summer--and I can't wait.

For Christmas Eve, we went to my parents' house and had dinner with them, my sister's family, and my aunt's family.  This year, Eliot was very eager to open presents and try to make sense of all of this Christmas business.  It has been so much fun to watch his eyes light up while looking at decorations and hilarious to hear all of questions, like why we have big socks hanging on the mantle.

Christmas morning, Eliot and Jack dug right into their presents.  I think Eliot liked getting "double presents" because, as he says, Jack will share.  And perhaps not surprisingly, Jack really enjoys grabbing all of Eliot's new toys too.  We're doing OK with all of this sharing stuff!  Not perfect, but, you know, we're doing fine.

Chris's parents and sister came in town on Christmas day, and, man, Eliot was stoked to see them.  I didn't even tell him they were coming because I'd be hearing about it all week.  Eliot had so much fun with all this extra attention.  We all went to the movies to see Walking with Dinosaurs, which has horrible writing, but they're dinosaurs.  And you know Eliot loves him some dinosaurs.

Somehow, though, Eliot ended up sick the next morning.  It just seemed like a cough, but it kept growing and growing.  Two days later, Jack had the same cough and I felt sick as well.  I figured it was a cold because their fevers were low, but I wanted to make sure.  Off to the doctor we went.  They confirmed that it was a cold, and I think Eliot is getting better each day, but Jack just seemed to keep on getting worse.  He was supposed to have his six-month well visit yesterday, so they just turned it into a sick visit.  Sure enough, he has a double ear infection.  It's still the early stages, and I'm thankful that we will be fighting it off before it gets bad.

And then there's New Years...  I feel like I should have an entire post just on my thoughts on New Years, but I'm not really a big resolution kind of gal.  I just like looking back.  Perhaps that is why I write so much and then feel so disappointed in myself when I don't write.  Anyway, we had a quiet New Year's Eve.  We watched some movies and ate mac'n'cheese for dinner (I'm not kidding).  We let Eliot light some sparklers and watch our neighbors' fireworks.

These days, Eliot is still a little sick, but pretty much acting normal.  He wants to play all day despite his lingering cough.  Jack is on his second day of antibiotics.  Somehow, his sleeping habits are improving without me even doing anything different.  He sleeps in his crib in his own room most nights.  On good nights, he gets up twice.  On bad nights, he is up all night.  Honestly, those good nights are enough for me to get by.  Before, it was taking its toll on me, and I must admit that I have cried a few times out of exhaustion and frustration.  I mean, people have to sleep eventually, you know?  However, we're making it work.  And I can deal with this just fine.

I can't believe it is January already.  I can't believe my baby is six months old.  I can't believe it is 2014.

Dear Jack: Six Months

Dear Jack,

There seems to be something that happens around six months with babies as they grow.  Suddenly, there is a change.  And you have hit that place.

You are bubbling over with so much more personality.  You are so happy all the time (unless you are hungry) and laugh at everything.  It is so easy to get you to smile, even at a camera.

You are intrigued by everything around you.  You can sit up now on your own, and we have started giving you regular baths without your whale for support.  You just tried to sit up and lean forward in it anyway.  This has made bathtime enjoyable for you and more of "splash zone" at Sea World for me.  We had some unusually warm weather and took advantage of the beach.  You had so much fun eating sand and laughing at the wind.  I can't wait for the summer when we'll spend lots of time at the beach.

Your speech is developing well.  You have been babbling for a while, and your first word was "dada".  You have tried to say "mom," but instead it comes out "ba mommmm-ba".  You say "ba" a lot too.

We're still working on food and bottles with you.  You hate bottles (and sippy cups).  You will not drink from anyone but me.  You are taking your time with food too, which was the same with Eliot.

 

You are growing all the time.  You are wearing size six month clothes at some stores and also nine month sleepers.  You weigh over seventeen pounds!  Your fuzzy hair continues to grow longer, but it isn't filling out much more.  You look like a baby bird with soft, down feather.  I think your blue eyes are officially here to stay.  When you were born, I figured your blue eyes would change and your dark hair would stay; it ended up being the complete opposite!

You and I have had some trouble with sleep lately.  Your sleep kept getting worse and worse until you were awake almost constantly all night.  Then I managed to get you to sleep in your crib.  You still get up every couple of hours usually, but I keep you in your room until morning (usually about 6:00 am) when you will be waking up every thirty minutes anyway until you are up for the day.  Your brother never slept in his crib (not one night) even when I would climb in there with him, so while it is rough with you waking up so often, it is refreshing that I don't have to fight to keep you in your own space.  And you roll around so much that I think you appreciate NOT co-sleeping!

We just finished up celebrating Christmas with you and Eliot.  While you didn't understand what was going on, it was fun to watch you unwrap presents (with a little help) and get excited about new toys.  You also are very interested in your brother's toys--maybe moreso than your own.  You love to hold things and they go straight into your mouth.  Eliot, of course, is not excited about you eating his toys.

Jack, we are half-way to a year.  I know everything is going to be different when we get to a year, and everything keeps on changing now as it is.  I'm trying to enjoy this time even though it is flying by and I am honestly so excited for warmer weather.  This is a special time with you as my baby, my littlest one.  So sweet and precious, you always make me feel important and happy.  I love you, Jack.  I am so thankful that you came into our lives.

Dear Eliot: Two Years, Eleven Months

Dear Eliot,

You are getting so close to three....  Just one more month.  When I hold your brother and then look over at you, I cannot believe that you were once a little baby too.  You have seemed like such a big boy for so long, and you are always doing or saying something outrageously funny and full of personality.

This might not make any sense at all to you, but I hope that I never forget it.  You are so into the ending scene of Jurassic Park.  Like, it's ridiculous.  In case no one cares about Jurassic Park in the future, let me explain that the movie ends with the people about to be eaten by raptors.  These guys have been terrorizing everyone the whole movie.  Then, out of nowhere, the t-rex eats the raptors, which allows the people to escape just in time.  You get so stoked on it.  You watch it on our laptops and phones all the time and scream, "The t-rex rescues them!"  When we see someone that you haven't seen in a while, you asked to show them the clip.  You impersonate it with growls and snarls.  You love Jurassic Park.  You love t-rexes.  And I love how you say "raptors"--it always comes out as "rappers".  So good!

You love to play dinosaurs too.  You ask me to pretend to be a t-rex so that you can hide.  Sometimes I am a "mad" t-rex.  Other times I am a "nice" t-rex.  You love to stomp around the house and roar.  It's so fun to watch your imagination grow.

I've spent a bit of time lately thinking back to a year ago and about how much has changed.  We've come a long way, kid, you and me.  I remember last year, we took you to see the lights at the Botantical Gardens for Christmas.  You loved them, but when it was time to go, you cried the whole way home--and it is not a short drive.  This year, you loved them again, but when it was over, you asked why and then accepted it.  You didn't cry at all.  We're making it through this thing called growing up, and I think we're doing OK between the two of us. 

I'm always worried that I am scarring you or failing miserably, but the thing is, I know we're fine when I tuck you in at night.  You say the sweetest things to me.  You tell me that you love me "so much," that I am "so special to [you]," and that I am pretty.  I don't think you would say such sweet things if I were doing the worst job ever as your parent.  You're such a big kid these days.

Every day, I am so thankful and proud of you as a big brother.  Jack is learning to take your toys, which is hard on you at times, but you are working through it.  You are gentle and share on your terms.  When it isn't your idea, you are a bit taken back at first, yet you come around.  You love taking care of Jack and reading to him.  And my favorite part of seeing you two together is when you don't know I'm looking.  Sometimes Jack will be crying in his crib, and I might run to grab something real quick.  Often, you sneak into his room, turn on his light, hold his hand through the slats in the crib, and assure him, "Jacky, it's OK.  It's all right.  I'm here."  These are the things I say to him, too.  And you know what?  He stops crying.  You comfort him so well, and seeing your relationship grow just makes my heart explode.

I love watching you grown and how observant you are.  So often, you want to bring the world along with you.  Even if we are going for a short car ride, you want to bring more toys than is reasonable.  And when we go outside, you want to collect the sticks, gumballs,stray feathers, and leaves.  On the beach, you collect shells.  You find the tiniest shell and give it to me to put in my pocket for you, entrusting me to keep it safe.  You are amazing, Eliot Thomas.  I want to live up to the image you have of me.  I want to give you all the best.  I want to see the world the way you do.  You're so smart, funny, beautiful, and wise.

Watching the Trees in Three Seasons At Once

It feels like we are all over the place with seasons here in Virginia.  One day it feels like winter, then fall, and then we're at the beach wishing we had our suits.  It was that warm today.  And though it gives me headaches sometimes, I am so thankful for the sunshine, warmth, and sand on my feet.

I haven't been uploading many photos lately, but this isn't necessarily because I haven't been taking them.  No, instead I had some issues with the software on my computer, so I'm trying to catch up.  Also, knowing that I couldn't edit photos kind of put a damper on my photo-taking mood.

I am taking more photos again, though, enjoying life and trying to capture every detail.  Here is Eliot drawing waves in the sand.  I love how observant he is.  I love how he finds the tiniest whole shell and gives it to me to keep safe in my pocket.  I put it away, worrying that it will be lost in my pockets, but reflecting on his trust and confidence that mommies can protect all things.

These nights, I have been having a bit of a rough time with Jack.  I am unsure of what to do with him....  He wakes frequently and wants to nurse to go back to sleep.  By "frequently," I mean as often as every thirty minutes, and never sleeping more than every two hours.  I've tried putting him in his crib, letting him co-sleep a little, keeping him in the portacrib, and everything in between.  There are some nights that I sleep with him on the couch in the den because he is just waking everyone else up.  I honestly think he is hungry in the night (or just using me as a paci).  I try feeding him food (he rejects it) and also giving him a bottle.  He still won't drink out of a bottle....  And that worries me.  There isn't much to do other than to keep trying.  We give him a bottle at least once a day and try various bottles and nipples.  He'll get it eventually, I'm sure.  He doesn't like pacis either, so the bottle is similar, I guess.  Other than nighttime, he is usually pretty happy, so I don't think he is going around hungry all day or anything.  It's hard, but it is just a season.  We'll be moving into the next before I know it.

I spent a good amount of time today looking up at the sky and swaying trees with my boys.  I set out a blanket on the grass in the backyard and I tried to just be with them--to just be in this moment when Jack is five months old and amazed by the sky and when Eliot is almost three and wants to throw leaves in the air (and coax his brother into eating leaves too).  It is these quiet moments with my boys that I cherish more than anything.

Thanksgiving This Year

I feel like I am just now getting back to normal after Thanksgiving.  It was our first Thanksgiving in the new house and our second time hosting.  However, it was the first time we hosted with this many people and also the first time both Chris's family and my family had Thanksgiving together.  I think I felt a little more pressure because of that (but not in a bad way--just hoping that everything went smooth).

And everything was going well.  The day before, we picked up our fancy free-range, humane turkey from Whole Foods.  I baked three dozen rolls.  I prepped what dishes I could.  In the morning, though, Chris was sick.  Very sick.  His sister (who had spent about a week with us) was throwing up.  It was not going as planned and I needed extra hands to help clean.  Chris's parents hit traffic on the way down, so they were a little later than planned....  And my parents' electricity went out so they couldn't cook the dishes they planned to bring.  Goodness!  Fortunately, my parents were able to help me clean some and took Eliot for the day.  After all of the complications, dinner was just an hour late (oops...) and I think everyone had a good time.  Since Chris's sister was feeling so bad, his family left that night, which was really, well, sad, but we'll be seeing them again quite soon for Christmas.  And we did get to see a lot of Elizabeth!

The next day, Chris was feeling quite a bit better.  He and my dad worked on our Christmas lights some and then later on we got our tree.  I like a more classic and "cottage-y" look with white lights, candles in the windows, and wreaths, but Chris really wanted to do colored lights.  Well, if that's the case, I said we should go all out tacky and get the big colored lights.  Ha.  After about six hours of work (spread out over three days or so), our house is bright.

We did a bit of grading over the weekend, and Chris helped my dad with his lights.  Suddenly, I felt a little off.  Before I knew it, I was super sick and throwing up.  I don't know if I caught Chris's bug (which I thought was food poisoning) or what, but it was awful.  And I still had deadlines to meet.  My mom took Eliot for the day and I managed to get my work done somehow.  So, in some ways, I feel like I'm still trying to catch up from Thanksgiving as we move forward to Christmas, but I'm OK with that.

Because even when we're sick, I'm thankful that we're not MORE sick.
Because even when the house is messy, I'm thankful we have these little boys to make the mess.
Because even when I need to empty the dishwasher, I'm thankful that we have food.
Because even when I feel overwhelmed, I'm thankful for my supportive family--both immediate and extended.
Because even when I feel so tired from lack of sleep, I'm thankful that I'm waking up to my little Jack.