Before I had kids, I silently watched others from the sidelines. I worried if I'd be good enough of a parent one day, but at the same time, I oversimplified the act of parenting. So, here are five things that I thought I had figured out concerning parents (and how I realized that I was wrong).
Parents develop parenting philosophies based on what they think is most correct.
Prior to having Eliot, I did a lot of researching about how to be a parent. There were so many different parenting styles and philosophies out there. While I believed there to be some wiggle room, I thought that parents created their philosophies before having their kids, like a plan of how to react. I tried to create my own philosophy. Paci = bad. Formula = bad. Spanking = bad. Co-sleeping = bad. Cry it out = bad. Pottytraining before or after two-years-old = bad. The oversimplistic list goes on.
Then I had Eliot and entered survival mode. I became the co-sleeping, babywearing, breastfeeding momma who also gave her baby a paci and didn't successfully pottytrain until three. My parenting philosophy was baby-driven with what
worked, not some ideal situation. And then Jack came along and my "philosophy" completely changed. When he had trouble sleeping, I tried to co-sleep with him because that was what worked with Eliot. No, Jack has to have his own space in his own bed in order to sleep. Also, sometimes he has to cry just a little in order to fall asleep. And a paci? Forget it. He is not interested. While I fought to nurse Eliot for six and a half months, I am now fighting to get Jack to
stop nursing at a year. Each baby is so incredibly different and you borrow bits from various parenting philosophies for whatever fits your child, not some preconceived idea of what is "right". Nothing will teach you how WRONG you are about parenting more than having two children who are complete opposites.
Bad behavior is a result of bad parenting, a lack of discipline, or both.
Maybe this goes along with the first idea, but I was pretty sure that undesirable behavior in kids (throwing tantrums, talking back, not listening, not eating, and so on) were just because parents were not parenting correctly or were not disciplining their kids enough. Perhaps the kids were acting out in order to get more attention. Or maybe they were disrespectful because the parents did not teach boundaries. The thing is, toddlers and kids are self-preserving, self-centered monsters who sometimes have difficulty communicating. Teaching a kid to share, be respectful, listen to directions, and do things they don't want to is a long, continual process. You might catch a kid on a bad day. You might see a kid melting down in a store because he is tired or hungry or unable to find the right words. That doesn't mean that the parent is not doing their absolute best. And in a week, that kid might get over the bad behavior and be a better sharer than you are. Learning to be a caring, respectful individual is a long journey, so don't judge a three-year-old (or her parents) based on just a few interactions.
"I will have this cupcake."
I can handle repetition.
OK, this is going to sound awful, but there are times when I feel like I am going to pull my hair out due to the constant repetition of phrases and questions that don't even make sense. I LOVE that Eliot talks. He talks all the time. He says the funniest, crazies, sweetest things. I can't make this stuff up. It is GREAT and fills me with so much pride. But sometimes he just gets going and almost cannot stop himself. He will ask the same question or say the same statement over again until not only have I answered, but I have to have answered and reacted in the right way. One time I decided not to answer him to see how many times he would repeat himself. He stood in front of me and said the same sentence more than twenty times. He has gotten better about repetition since then, but, golly, it can be intense. Sometimes when we are watching tv, he will tell me everything that is happening, like I just can't see it for myself or something. Fortunately, when he wants to talk but has nothing to say, his stock phrase is, "Mommy.... I love you." I can deal with that.
I'll only post photos of my kids looking at the camera and smiling.
I've always really been into photography and documenting everything. I thought it was weird when people would post pictures of their babies crying. Before I had kids, I stepped it up a level, though, and decided I would only post photos of my babies smiling at the camera. Yeah right... I plan to write an entry on that at another time, but Eliot has always been the worst at smiling at the camera. He would look at the camera at times, sure, but he'd look so incredibly serious and upset. Even if he were having a blast as a toddler, he would immediately stop smiling when a camera came out. Jack was better about looking and smiling at the camera, but he is starting to shy away from it too now. Ah.
You can almost hear me begging, "Will you please just look at the camera for one second?"
And lastly, it is bittersweet to watch babies grow up, but I will go with the flow and not complain.
Everyone warns new parents to savor each moment and I can honestly say that I never wished away my babies' infanthood. I enjoyed the newborn phase through all the sleepless nights for the amazing, short period that it was. I tried to remember every piece of every milestone. I try to take tons of photos. I write letters. I write blogs. I take videos. But I can't capture it all no matter how hard I try. And despite trying to love every day and accept that they will grow, they keep growing up too fast for me. Parenting keeps getting easier in some ways and harder in others. I let go of an adorable phase and welcome an even more fun one. But it is still hard. And they sure aren't slowing down just for my comfort. I will just have to keep on loving them every day no matter if we're having a good one or a bad one.
